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One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One, by Lauren Sandler
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Review
“[Sandler] delves deeply, thoughtfully, and often humorously into history, culture, politics, religion, race, economics, and of course, scientific research… Will she or won’t she have another? The beauty of her in-depth exploration is that the larger questions she poses make this one seem beside the point.” (Lori Gottlieb, The New York Times Book Review)“There is a welcome strain of argument undergirding this well-researched and lively book: Looking out for your own happiness is not inconsistent with being a good mother. This is a vital part of the conversation that’s not being discussed in the chatter surrounding middle-class parenting.” (Jessica Grose, The New Republic)“Sandler delivers a work of fierce reporting, tender storytelling, and clear-eyed cultural analysis.” (Susan Cain, author of Quiet)“Lauren Sandler’s book is eloquent, articulate, persuasive, and whip-smart. But its greatest virtue may be its restraint. This is, thank goodness, no faddish argument for only children. One and Only is something much wiser and much, much more important. It’s a plea to disregard our facile (and demonstrably incorrect) stereotypes about family size and accept a universal truth: one size does not fit all.” (Daniel Smith, New York Times bestselling author of Monkey Mind)“Sandler’s thought-provoking—and often surprising—analysis will fascinate anyone interested in how family circumstances shape our lives.” (Gretchen Rubin, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project)“Sandler powerfully debunks generations of myths about the loneliness, selfishness, and general neuroticism of only children. Her book is a must-read both for adult only children and parents of ‘just’ one—and an eye-opener for anyone interested in a fresh look at the meaning of connectedness.” (Judith Warner, New York Times bestselling author of Perfect Madness)“Sandler weaves a gripping tale of motherhood and modernity, bypassing the mommy wars to expose the wider conditions in which parenting choices are made. She’s one of the most cogent commentators on feminism and family there is.” (Deborah Siegel, PhD, coeditor of Only Child)“This book, like everything Lauren Sandler writes, is lush and riveting. Only children or people who have only children will find comfort in these pages, and parents generally should read it to understand their own choices.” (Alissa Quart, author of Hothouse Kids)“With wit, warmth, and keen intelligence, Sandler skewers the myths about only children and their parents. If you’re tired of all the foolish generalizations, buy several copies of this book and hand them out at the playground!” (Liza Featherstone, author of Selling Women Short)“Onlies, parents of onlies, and readers still on the fence will find the book illuminating and affirming.” (Publishers Weekly)
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About the Author
Lauren Sandler has written on cultural politics, religion, and inequality for Time, The Atlantic, Slate, and The New York Times. She lives in Brooklyn, New York.
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Product details
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Reprint edition (June 17, 2014)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1451626967
ISBN-13: 978-1451626964
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.6 x 8.4 inches
Shipping Weight: 7.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
3.9 out of 5 stars
82 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#90,113 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This book could not have come at a better time for me. I'm a 43-year old Brooklyn yuppie with one 2.5 year old son and it is getting to be time to fish or cut bait on having a second kid. In discussions with my wife on this question I've articulated a notion that the decision should be based on whether it will make our lives better, not whether it will make our son's life better. I figure that while his life will certainly be different if he has a sibling, it will not necessarily be better or worse and thus the decision should be made from our perspective, not his.Sandler basically proves this correct. By taking us through the data, Sandler reveals that singletons lead perfectly good lives (on average) and any notions to the contrary are stereotypes. Indeed, if anything the data would indicate that they may even be better off than kids with siblings.So this does not solve my problem; Sandler cannot (and does not try) to tell me what is right for my life. I still need to decide whether having more kids would improve my life, and I admit to also thinking about the possible person who might not be if we decide to stop at one. But after reading this book I am totally confident that my existing son will be just fine either way and that I don't have to feel guilty if we don't provide him with a brother or sister.
It took me several years to make a decision about my family size, and I enjoyed reading books like this one along the way. You get a lot of crap when you only have one, and it's easier to make the right decision when you have a chance to see actual data. Most people have kids without even thinking about why they're really doing it or why they're having as many as they do. It's a huge, life-changing decision every time you bring new life into the world! I don't understand *not* taking time to really think about it and question why you're doing it in the first place. I'm glad I paused long enough to question the status quo of "if you have one, you should have two." It's a lifestyle choice. Not so you can have a "tiny adult" or "be selfish" or whatever other nonsense people say. I have one, and I don't want to have more and split up our resources.Also...women are told we can "do it all"... but that's a myth. Something has always gotta give. And it all gets more difficult with each additional child. Women are expected to sacrifice everything (like our careers or childhood dreams) when we start having children, then when our daughters grow up, they're expected to follow in our footsteps and basically do it all over again in order to be "good moms". What's the point of sacrificing so much to raise my daughter so she can "reach her full potential", just so she can give everything up in order to have whatever number of children society deems acceptable and continue the cycle of self-sacrifice? I'm not buying into this. I want to model a different way of living and for me that means doing what I love while also raising *one* child.
The following quote sums up this book nicely for me:"Children are a desire, not a calculation. Which is why I believe that if you truly desire more than one child, you'll make it work. People always have. And if you don't, well, there's a big stack of numbers on your side. If we're going to be rational about it, surely the economic verdict suggests we should stop at one."As another reviewer stated (and also in my own experience), this topic can be controversial, and Sandler doesn't pretend to be objective. Rather she takes a side on the issue, arguing that one child is better for her, better for her child, and better for the environment. Personally, for now, I agree with her. I don't believe that Sandler is trying to dictate that everyone should have one child (based on the quote above), rather I believe she is making a very direct argument to refute the stereotype of only children as lonely, selfish, and maladjusted.I also would have preferred Sandler to write the book more along the lines of "only children are just as good as those with siblings", but I can understand why she didn't. It feels like the stereotype of only children is so entrenched that to prove only children are just as ok as those with siblings, you almost have to prove they are better. Similar to how women in traditional male-dominated careers have often had to be better than men to simply receive the same recognition and advancements.I have had firsthand experience with the ingrained stereotype of only children, from strangers and friends alike. When a friendly stranger asked if I plan to have another child and I said no, she literally told me 3-4 times I would change my mind, I wouldn't want to do that to my child. I also have had people I like and respect imply that to raise my only child not to be selfish; I would simply have to be a better parent than 90% of other parents of only children. While it was meant as a compliment to my parenting skills, it's heartbreaking to have someone I trust suggest that (1) I have put my child at a disadvantage right off the bat and (2) I will have to work harder than everyone else to fix that disadvantage.And that exact heartbreaking feeling is why I can also understand other reviewers' vehement criticisms of Sandler's work, because she directly argues only children are better. None of us like to think that we aren't giving our children the best in every way. As parents of only children, we cringe when others imply we are supposedly "selfishly" withholding the absolute best thing we can do for our child by not providing them a sibling. I can only assume that parents of multiple children cringe when Sandler points out that quantifiable, documented, research has shown time and time again that only children benefit from their parents undivided time and financial resources by scoring higher (albeit only slightly significantly) in areas of achievement, motivation, and personal adjustment. Thus it is likely that this book will continue to either receive high praise or deep scorn from most reviewers.My own personal take-away from this book, is that overall being an only child (or a parent of one) is no better or worse than being in a family with siblings. Each has their own set of challenges, and their own benefits. It is really none of my business to judge anyone else's family size, and I know I have changed my reaction to larger families as my sensitivity has grown. I found this book deeply reassuring as a parent of an only child, and I can only hope my review will raise awareness among those in larger families that only children are just as great as everyone else.*ARC provided by the author for an honest review.
I'm glad I read this book, which was recommended to me by my doctor. She knew we were a bit on the fence for multiple children because I felt guilty having an only child. This book was a weight off my shoulders in relieving any guilt I might have had, as the author pointed out many benefits for both the parents and the singleton to keeping the family with only one child.The book was enlightening and easy to read. It's not to say that having more than one isn't good, but it definitely shows that having only one can be awesome, too. The stereotypes of only-children are flawed, but not only that. Singletons are becoming the norm. In fact, many Gen-Y-ers are planning only one, if any at all, based on the limited research I've read.
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